A young man from the UK who said that, for the first time in his life, he was exploring masochistic urges and a self-identification as submissive wrote to me by way of referral from Clarisse Thorn. He expressed being “pretty confused and angry and upset and generally head-spinny” at the time of his writing, elaborating on these feelings at some length. And I’m getting these sorts of emails on an increasingly regular basis, which is sometimes very hard for me to take.

My response to this one, though, seems not merely wonderfully representative of the sort of thing I think others would benefit from reading, but also has some specific references to UK-based resources, so I’ve decided to share my words—and only my words—more publicly:

Hi [there],

First, as Clarisse offered before me, an e-hug:

[e-hug]. :)

Second, as Clarisse also made clear before me, I, too, have to manage my correspondence carefully. I do a much poorer job at it than Clarisse does, which is one reason I admire her. I’m thankful she linked you to my writing and I hope that my previous writing is helpful to you. Similarly, while I certainly do not mind receiving letters of this sort, I receive an overwhelming amount of them and this is both personally and professionally draining.

Here’s the thing, though, and why I feel strongly that you have nothing to apologize for: you’re reaching out, and I put myself out here so that those who are on stormy seas can look over the bow of their metaphorical ship and see a lighthouse. And that lighthouse? That’s me.[0]

So, like a lighthouse, I try to illuminate the way, but I can’t always make contact with you directly. And I hope this metaphor makes sense.

Third, I want you to know that there is so much of your writing that I resonate with—the confusion, the head-spinny-ness, the physical pain manifested from emotional pain, the desire to seek a community. I remember feeling very much this way for a long time. Unlike you, though, I knew I wanted to find the BDSM community ever since I was ten years old. And I waited for 8 years—until I was 18—to actually go and do it.[1] But when I did it, I did not find peaceful shores. I found a culture actively hostile to who I am.

You referenced Thomas’s “Domism” post. Serendipituously, that was published the same day as I published my post about my experience at the Kink, Inc. Armory. His is the academic to my personal. It’s long, but showcases the kind of systemic erasure masochistic, submissive, or otherwise non-toppy masculine-of-center individuals (like, I gather, you and I) face when we finally do make it to the “BDSM Scene”:

    http://maybemaimed.com/2011/05/02/my-unreal-experience-on-the-kink-inc-armory-tour/

Noteworthy, too, is the fact that this is one area where Clarisse and I have remarkable differences in perspective. We talk about this on a semi-regularly basis, and you might find eavesdropping interesting:

    http://maybemaimed.com/2011/02/13/conversation-with-clarisse-thorn-about-kink-inc-s-hymen-gate/

Since the issues I face as a submissive man are not the same as the ones she faces, this is unsurprising, but I have spent many, many years trying to articulate why there are actually entrenched bigotries against men-who-bottom even in the most “enlightened” BDSM community.[2]

The result? I’m full of venom for “the community.”[3] This does not mean I would advise you not to seek it out; I think it is wonderful that it exists. But if you are willing to hear a little bit of unsolicited advice, hear this: unless you are very, very lucky, you will not find the BDSM Scene to be either welcoming, accepting, or supportive. It—and those in it—will pretend to be all of these things, and if you present yourself as a bottom and a man, no matter how authentically, and especially if you present yourself as also single, there will be a whole host of prejudices you’re going to face as a result.[4][5][6][7]

I’ve never been to the UK, but I’m afraid that the UK is equally unkind to submissively-identified men, if my correspondents’ tales are true. On that note, you may also really enjoy Bitchy Jones’ blog, which discusses many of the things I write about from the perspective of a dominant woman:

    http://bitchyjones.wordpress.com/

She’s no longer writing regularly, and most of her archives have (sadly) disappeared, but what remains online is priceless.

As for the UK, the legal situation is far more dire there than in many parts of America, which seems an oddity but is true nonetheless. I try to keep up with legalities insofar as they relate to my activism, but obviously it’s more difficult for me to do so since I’m based in San Francisco. I make an extraordinary amount of my research and sources public, though, so here’s a couple of places you’ll want to check out on that front:

    https://twitter.com/KinkOnTap/sexuality-sources
    https://twitter.com/maymaym/sexual-freedom-orgs
    http://heresycorner.blogspot.com/
    http://malesubmissionart.com/post/271520580/in-forbidding-darkness-a-young-man-is

Also for the UK, if you are interested in exploring the BDSM community there, I would recommend starting at Kinky Salon:

    http://kinkysalonlondon.co.uk/

It’s also the only place in the UK I know of that doesn’t ring all of my disgustingly stereotypical warning bells. It also comes by way of Kitty Stryker, whose work in my chosen area of activism I appreciate.[8]

So, I hope this is helpful to you and I wish you the best in your explorations. There’s a saying I recently heard: “Everyone you meet is going to hurt you. You just need to find the ones worth suffering for.”

You don’t need to fear your ability to suffer, but don’t let your suffering consume you, either. I sense you may have spent your whole life being told that your strengths were weaknesses. Well, I’m telling you otherwise. You have a magic others don’t. Use it.

In solidarity,
-maymay
Blog: http://maybemaimed.com
Talk show: http://KinkOnTap.com
Community: http://KinkForAll.org

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

[0] http://maybemaimed.com/2010/10/03/im-not-out-just-for-me-im-also-out-for-you/
[1] http://maybemaimed.com/2009/11/01/on-youth-sexuality-education-and-your-fears/
[2] http://days.maybemaimed.com/post/6669441133/as-a-woman-who-cannot-imagine-feeling-anything-but-awe
[3] http://maybemaimed.com/2010/11/27/community-fuck-the-community-this-isnt-for-them-anyway/
[4] http://maybemaimed.com/2011/06/02/signal-boost-the-devaluation-of-male-submission/
[5] http://malesubmissionart.com/post/5498352136/an-opulently-dressed-man-in-greek-inspired
[6] http://maybemaimed.com/2011/05/19/story-of-how-to-improve-the-future-always-hate-the-status-quo/
[7] http://days.maybemaimed.com/post/6436018453/when-sex-positive-is-a-euphemism-for-male-gaze
[8] http://androaperture.wordpress.com/2011/06/20/link-love-inspirations/