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The BDSM Scene’s Whiteness is Classism at Work Supporting Racism and Sexism

Earlier today, I got into a bit of a tiff in the comments at The Edge of Vanilla, which is the inimitable Tom Allen’s blog. What began as a calling out of some of the racist, sexist, and classist replies to Tracy Clark-Flory’s fantastic interview with anthropology professor Margot Weiss turned into a disagreement with Tom himself. It was at first distressing to me because Tom is one of the smartest and most diplomatic bloggers I know, so I was supremely disappointed when I encountered such straight-up bullshit in his comments, and I didn’t see him calling that out for what it was.

Further, I was really disappointed in Tom for apparently missing some very basic knowledge about ignorance—such as its dictionary definition—that I was almost certain he was already quite well-versed in. Thankfully, Tom’s diplomatic skill re-centered the discussion on the issues Weiss raises, which got me thinking about how to explain my own understanding of her work.

What follows is an excerpted cross-post of one of my comments in the thread:

[M]uch of Weiss’s work unpacks the effects of late-capitalist consumerism on BDSM sexuality; that’s among her work’s main themes. One of her articles I linked to earlier was expressly about this. In it, she writes that “marketers have tapped into the allure and exoticism of SM sexuality to sell an ever-widening array of products,” and this critique is, of course, relevant to most if not all subcultures that exist in societies employing late-capitalist economic models—most of the world, in other words.

I think the tech industry is arguably one of the most salient and illustrative examples of this. Its ever-increasing speed of innovation is a natural companion to the capitalistic impetus behind planned obsolescence.

The important take-away seems to me to be that mainstays of capitalistic practice have obvious parallels to The Scene, precisely because of the public BDSM Scene’s emphasis on things like “toys” and physical skill based classes. On that note, Weiss elaborates in her 2006 article, Working at Play. There, she writes:

As BDSM has become more mainstream, more organizationally focussed and more middle-class, practitioners work on their SM in self-conscious ways, mobilizing American discourses of self-improvement, actualization and education.

[…]

Thus, as I have been describing, the time, money and energy practitioners spend on their SM practice is a form of sociality. Combining consumption, community and pleasure, contemporary BDSM sexualities are a form of working at play[…].

What’s left unsaid in this excerpt but that the Salon.com article touches on is the way such socioeconomic divides segment the population; those who can and those who can not access such social work-play. That’s the very definition of classism and The BDSM Scene doesn’t just mirror that behavior, it actually intentionally amplifies that very trait in order to function as it desires—and that’s classist.

I find Weiss’s critique even deeper than this, though, because that same blockading of access to (“alternative,” or “BDSM”) sexuality helps maintain the oppressive “man box” for men of color. The constant barrage of cultural obstacles barricading a self-actualized expression of one’s sexuality is doubly true and—speaking as a white submissive man—I suspect unfathomably more painful for submissive men of color. From this angle, the support structures for both racism and sexism can be seen more clearly: classism and specifically capitalism doesn’t just inform, but actually intentionally supports both racism and sexism. As you, yourself, said:

The people who run the scene clubs don’t have a lot of motivation to change things because if the elitist, money-spending sceners are uncomfortable, then they might go elsewhere, and all of that cool dungeon equipment and play space will sit unused and empty, and more importantly, won’t put any money into the club owner’s pockets.

It is precisely this kyriarchical structure that Weiss pinpoints when she critiques the whiteness of the Scene. That’s why it’s no surprise that self-identified “privileged white women” would not enjoy being reminded of their unflattering participation in such an oppressive system. In fact, at the party I was at last weekend, I piped up about this fact and one white woman plainly said, “Yeah…I’ve been trying not to think about all that stuff this weekend.” So I was honest with her when I replied, “I like to make it difficult for people to forget about all that.”

Sometimes that means I make it difficult for people to uncritically enjoy the sex they have. I am more than okay with that. It is, in fact, an integral piece of my goal. Or, in my own crass language, many of these people are Puny Kings of their own Petty Hills; they behave like privileged shits.

Moreover, the monetary expense required to participate in the (semi-)public BDSM Scene in a way that is legitimized by The Scene’s “Powers That Be” is, as mentioned, one reason why it remains overwhelmingly white, but also a reason why The Scene remains overwhelmingly adultist. For more about that, I recommend reading Tynan Fox’s poignant piece at Leatherati.com called The Price of Admission.

I suspect that if you’re looking to make a difference, then you’ve got to approach things the way that generally works with other aspects of culture: convince people—the regular scene goers—that the things that you would like to see can be status enhancing and even trendier than what they already have.

This is where I think we fundamentally disagree, Tom. And that’s fine.

Your line of thinking seems to be that providing avenues of access to the privileges maintained by the systems of power described above is a way to “make a difference.” While making a difference is a noble goal, and one I share, accessing privileges through the system that blockades access to marginalized groups sounds a lot like the same old, tired liberal arguments that give us sweatshop-produced rainbow flags. You are, in other words, encouraging people to participate in behavior that is fundamentally callous towards the already-most-marginalized groups of people, rather than encouraging them to do the one thing every one of us could do right now to have an unstoppable power: refuse to participate.

And this is why I am a liberationist, and you seem to be an assimilationist. We don’t have to agree, but I need to understand your position (and I feel I do) and you need to examine your priorities (and I trust you will, if you’re not already doing so).

The discussion thread, still fresh on Tom’s blog, is a good one for you to hop into if you have any opinions or points to raise that I missed. There’s much more I want to say about this, but I’ve got lots to do tonight and I’ve already spent too much time arguing on the Internet.

For those of you in New York City, please consider coming to Conversio Virium’s upcoming free, open to the public meeting next Monday, January 23. I’ll be talking more about this sort of stuff (and a whole lot more) at my presentation there: “Who Else Wants More Play and Less Stress In the Dungeon?” (There’s also a FetLife event you can RSVP to, if you prefer.)


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Over at the Edge of Vanilla, Tom Allen linked to Margot Weiss’s interview on Salon.com about her new book regarding the ways in which the BDSM Scene fails to live up to its own rhetoric of transgression. The comments on his blog, which is primarily read by chastity/orgasm denial enthusiasts, who are themselves a sub-niche of the sex blogging world related to but typically distinct from the BDSM Scene proper, prompted me to leave this (as-yet-unpublished) comment of my own:

Holy shit, Tom!

The comments on this post to date are the most disappointing and, frankly, largest pile of exactly the kind of privilege- and responsibility-denying bullshit that I’ve read about this, particularly MyKey’s ad-hominem ass hattery. And it’s no surprise to me that Peroxide’s ignorance is showing; Weiss’s scope was expressly defined as the public BDSM community, so his argument is not just derailing, it’s just fucking stupid.

Like I said on Twitter, if you’re surprised at any of this, you are sexist, racist, and/or classist, and it’s no wonder you do BDSM as an “escape.” It’s no wonder these commenters are jolted into ridiculous, defensive irrationality; THEY’RE PART OF THE PROBLEM. I’ll make no bones about making sure there are not going to be safe spaces for such behavior—those attitudes have got to end, and I’m going to end them one way or another. That’s a promise and a threat.

I’m incredibly disappointed in your blog readers, Tom. I’ll stick to the top half of your blog from now on. Disgusting.

This is particularly timely, considering the weekend I just had.

Sure enough, one of the previous commenters, a blogger named Scott who seems to write a pretty stereotypical Female-Led Relationship (FLR)/cuckoldry blog, left a reply to me, so I took the liberty of commenting again:

Hey Scott,

There was no need for personal attacks here when a measured rebuttal by you would have been more than sufficient.

screw you and your derailing bullshit.

I’ve never heard of you and have managed to get along just fine with that.

Obviously, it’s because you’ve never heard of me that informs why you’ve never heard me give “a measured rebuttal.” You didn’t bother to consider that possibility, though, did you?

So start by following some of the links I left in my previous comment (duh). And then, when you’ve exhausted yourself reading through those and what they link to, here are some more for you to start at:

And also, next time you make a fool of yourself, don’t expect someone to take the time to link you to places where you can educate yourself, far less to be nice about it. I mean really, has anyone who commented on this post so far even read Weiss’s book (or at least any of her other published articles)? My own review copy hasn’t arrived yet. And really, Scott, your questioning of Weiss’s age (“perhaps she’s too young to recall how repressive American society used to be”) is bordering on blatant sexism and ageism, since it’s a direct implication that she doesn’t know her history. If you’d actually read her work you’d know better than this, which doesn’t even get to the point that the whole “but it’s better now than it used to be!” argument being used [as] an excuse to dismiss today’s oppressive behavior should make any ethical person want to vomit all over you, and I sincerely hope they do. It’s your job to educate yourself about derailing and oppressive behavior and then change it. Capisce?

That goes double for any commenters who’ve read this far and still have the knee-jerk urge to say something dismissive of the points Weiss has been raising.

No surprise such shit-covered entrails came from the FLR blogosphere.

For posterity, here’s the rebuttal Scott offered this time:

Hi maymay,

I rest my case. I’ve tried to be civil.

Best,

scott
Mrs. Kelly’s Playhouse

My own rebuttal is even simpler:

Civility is no measure of veracity, Scott. (Again, duh.)

UPDATE: A discussion of the issues of sexism, racism, and classism continued in my next post, but Scott found it necessary to keep showing off how ignorant he is. Here is the rest of our conversation.

Scott wrote back:

maymay,

I really didn’t want to get sucked back into this but it appears that you want to create some sort of change in “the scene.” In order to do that you need to change the way scene people think and feel. You have had an opportunity here which you have nearly squandered.

Why do you think that calling people names is advantageous to your cause? Even if you know something that others don’t, that doesn’t mean that they’re incapable of understanding what you know. How does it help you or your cause to make enemies so unnecessarily? You don’t know us and, just as Peroxide pointed out, if you used a minimum of diplomacy you might have won us over without any struggle at all. As it stands, by your frontal assault, you’ve not only pushed us away from you but disinclined us to focus on your cause.

Diplomacy: “Skill in handling affairs without arousing hostility.”

You might consider it. When it works, it keeps us from killing each other.”

Best,

scott
Mrs. Kelly’s Playhouse

I replied (but, several days later, Tom has yet to publish this reply):

You’re missing the point (again), Scott. I don’t want to “win you over” at all. I wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep if you disappeared forever or got hit by a bus tomorrow. Let me make this perfectly clear: I don’t give a shit about you and your presumption that I would, or even that I should, and your continued totally fucking privileged bullshit berating hostile interactions is precisely why I find your behavior not merely personally revolting, but systemically oppressive. Can you understand that or do you need me to spell it out more succinctly for you?

Now, since I’ve made that as clear as I can possibly make it, I intend to avoid interacting with you directly, so you’ll not get another direct response from me. Period.

I do my best to always mean what I say and say what I mean. This is the end of our interactions. Scott may want the last word. In that event, you’ll probably be able to find it on the full comment thread over at Tom’s blog.


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To those who hate me, I say hate me hard, for I have found a way to turn your disdain into my fuel. If you want an enemy, I’ll give you a villain. I don’t need to be anyone’s hero; all I need to be is your nightmare.

This was a warning.


This blog is my job. If it moves you, please help me keep doing this Work by sharing some of your food, shelter, or money. Thank you!

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While I was at Arisia 2012, I went to the Sexual Harassment and Assault in Fandom panel, at which I learned about the Back Up Project, an inter-convention initiative intended to create environments that are actively uncomfortable for abusers to exploit. This is particularly important in “geek” communities, where the Geek Social Fallacies are cultural enablers of assault. Here’s one of The Back Up Project’s handouts:

BACK UP
The Open Source Women Back Each Other Up Projectreal world help for a real world problem
The Project aims to make help against harassment visibile and available, to create safer environments, to help women to support other women and men to challenge other men. We want sff, anime, comic, and other cons to be safer spaces for women.
I will break through your Somebody Else’s Problem invisibility field and come over and ask if you’re okay.
I will remember that you are in charge, and if you don’t want my help, I will go away. I will be there to help you in the future if you need it.
I will help you contact help: your friends, the event organizers, or police/security officers, if that is what you would like.
I will help you to the best of my ability if you’re being harassed or made to feel uncomfortable. Just let me know, even if you don’t know me.
I will not tell you that you must have been imagining things.
I will not say to you to go home, or go hide in your room, or just stay away from that guy.
I will not make you feel like your right to control over your own body is not a big deal.
http://www.backupproject.org/

There are also large buttons that you can wear to signify that you are an “active bystander,” someone who is willing to take on this “back up” role.
Some useful tips to help prevent sexual assault from the panel:
Watch people’s eyes: if someone’s in a conversation but not making eye contact with the person speaking to them, the person avoiding eye contact may be wanting an escape from the interaction. If they are looking down, they may either be very shy, or they may have given up finding an escape.
Tension can be seen in the jaw: people who are uncomfortable in social situations or are in distress carry tension that can often be seen by tight-lipped expressions, grinding of the jaw, and so forth.
Offer social outs: interject with a question such as “Do you know where [the pool/registration table/etc.] is?” If the person wants an out, they can say, “Oh, yes, let me show you.”
Check in using hand signals: Catch the eye of someone you think may be uncomfortable while standing behind the aggressor and flashing an “Ok?” hand signal, which looks like this:
Remember, as the panelists said, in order to address the issue of rape in society, we need to address the role of the rapists—the real rapists, not the storybook rapists. Most rapes (77 percent!) are perpetrated by people who the survivor knows. That means there are rapists at the large conventions you’re going to—no exceptions, no excuses.
Further, criminals deliberately perpetrate crimes at conventions because they know it can be more easily disguised. Think about it: how many people have you seen in masks and costumes at the last Sci-Fi/Fantasy convention you went to? Yeah…that.
See also
On Blogging, Threats, and Silence
List of Rape Myths
iHollaback.org

While I was at Arisia 2012, I went to the Sexual Harassment and Assault in Fandom panel, at which I learned about the Back Up Project, an inter-convention initiative intended to create environments that are actively uncomfortable for abusers to exploit. This is particularly important in “geek” communities, where the Geek Social Fallacies are cultural enablers of assault. Here’s one of The Back Up Project’s handouts:

BACK UP

The Open Source Women Back Each Other Up Project
real world help for a real world problem

The Project aims to make help against harassment visibile and available, to create safer environments, to help women to support other women and men to challenge other men. We want sff, anime, comic, and other cons to be safer spaces for women.

  • I will break through your Somebody Else’s Problem invisibility field and come over and ask if you’re okay.
  • I will remember that you are in charge, and if you don’t want my help, I will go away. I will be there to help you in the future if you need it.
  • I will help you contact help: your friends, the event organizers, or police/security officers, if that is what you would like.
  • I will help you to the best of my ability if you’re being harassed or made to feel uncomfortable. Just let me know, even if you don’t know me.
  • I will not tell you that you must have been imagining things.
  • I will not say to you to go home, or go hide in your room, or just stay away from that guy.
  • I will not make you feel like your right to control over your own body is not a big deal.

http://www.backupproject.org/

There are also large buttons that you can wear to signify that you are an “active bystander,” someone who is willing to take on this “back up” role.

Some useful tips to help prevent sexual assault from the panel:

  • Watch people’s eyes: if someone’s in a conversation but not making eye contact with the person speaking to them, the person avoiding eye contact may be wanting an escape from the interaction. If they are looking down, they may either be very shy, or they may have given up finding an escape.
  • Tension can be seen in the jaw: people who are uncomfortable in social situations or are in distress carry tension that can often be seen by tight-lipped expressions, grinding of the jaw, and so forth.
  • Offer social outs: interject with a question such as “Do you know where [the pool/registration table/etc.] is?” If the person wants an out, they can say, “Oh, yes, let me show you.”
  • Check in using hand signals: Catch the eye of someone you think may be uncomfortable while standing behind the aggressor and flashing an “Ok?” hand signal, which looks like this:

Remember, as the panelists said, in order to address the issue of rape in society, we need to address the role of the rapists—the real rapists, not the storybook rapists. Most rapes (77 percent!) are perpetrated by people who the survivor knows. That means there are rapists at the large conventions you’re going to—no exceptions, no excuses.

Further, criminals deliberately perpetrate crimes at conventions because they know it can be more easily disguised. Think about it: how many people have you seen in masks and costumes at the last Sci-Fi/Fantasy convention you went to? Yeah…that.

See also


This blog is my job. If it moves you, please help me keep doing this Work by sharing some of your food, shelter, or money. Thank you!

PayPal